Thank you, friends....

John Matthew Ennis

November 28, 2009-November 29, 2009

Beloved and cherished first-born son and miracle

I cannot even begin to explain how comforting the thoughts and prayers from all over the world are. You have touched our hearts in such a deep and profound way, we are forever grateful.

Many have asked about what they could do....if you are so inclined to send flowers or something, please consider donating to the worthiest of causes... Stephen Curtis Chapman's "One Little Heartbeat" has been a staple of my pregnancy music, and I dreamed about the impact my little Matthew would make on the world...one little heartbeat at a time. Now, though he is no longer with me, his memory can be honored by helping fund an EKG machine in Kyrgyzstan, and one little heartbeat at a time, he can help save other babies' lives. The information is as follows:

http://actofkindness.blogspot.com/2009/12/in-matthews-memory.html

You may also make checks payable to
Society of Cornelius

Memo: orphan account .EKG
and send them to

Possibilities International
Suite 253
525 Highland Road West
Kitchener, Ontario
N2M 5P4

The picture I am attaching is from one of the talented photographers who graciously give their time for these remembrances. The organization is Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and I can now say from experience, it is a priceless ministry. The info is as follows:

To donate to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep by web, click http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/donate/ or you can mail your check to:

The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation
7201 S. Broadway St. #150
Littleton, CO 80122



With so much love to you all,
Lori and John

Goodbye my angel....

John Matthew,

There are no words to tell you how much I love you and how much my heart aches to hold you right now. I have loved the thought of you for years and in the last months, the intimacy you and I have shared is now priceless to me.

Honestly, I do not know how I even have the strength to be writing this...my heart is broken and your daddy and I are just empty and aching. On one hand, I don't ever want to see this blog again--to be reminded of all the hope and promise we had in you.

On the other, the blessing you have been in our lives is worthy of so much more. It is because you lived, and we loved, that I write this final letter in your book.

You were a beautiful little boy. You had a head full of dark hair, your mommy's chin and your daddy's little lip and nose. Your skin was unbelievably soft and clear, and though I know every one says this about their baby, you truly were beautiful.

You were happy and healthy right up to the very second the doctor realized that there may have been a placental abruption...and whisked us to surgery. Doctor Shonekan was the fastest, most focused, compassionate and dedicated person I've ever seen...she had you out in 6 minutes. The miracle of all the extra staff being there and the care we received truly was indicative of God watching over us.

Your daddy was with you most every second he could be, and he held you as you took your last breaths and went on to Heaven. At first, we thought there may have been a chance you'd be fine, but resuscitating you over 5 times was simply too much for your little body. Daddy had to drive to Georgetown while you were medevaced, but hopefully you felt the literally hundreds and hundreds of people praying for you to be ok and not suffer. I felt them.

When Grandma and our dear friend Connie came back to my hospital, I knew that something had changed and it wasn't good. Daddy called and told us you were leaving us, and Bert prayed with us--over the phone to us in our room and to daddy and you as he held you in Georgetown. You were sent off to Heaven with daddy holding you, hearing the words of God and being very loved by the numerous people in my room crying for you.

And now, we are still in shock. Though you were only on this earth with us for about 8 hours, you have been in our hearts for years and will remain so. You, our beautiful first-born son...you may never read these words I've been writing for you, but still I hope you know how much you have been loved and how many people have been touched by the miracle of you.

I don't know what the future holds...for this blog, for our plans, for anything. I do know that your daddy and I are forever changed and cannot imagine any privilege better than being your parents. I remember very vividly promising you to God....thanking Him for the miracle of you and promising that you were His and I'd do all I could to commit you to Him. I never dreamed that would mean giving you back to Him just a few short hours after your birth. Even still, you will always remain our beautiful baby boy; our first-born son and dream-come-true. And we will always remain your loving mommy and daddy.

Goodbye, my sweet little boy. Words cannot describe how much your daddy and I love you.

Guess What? They want you to come out!!!

Well, I just got a phone call from the hospital. They want to know if I was interested in coming in 48 hours early to start the induction. Really???? Apparently the next few days are going to be busy, and while they would be glad to have me still come in on Monday, Dr. Shonekan was looking at folders and pulled a few she thought might be interested in coming in earlier....so, while I of course am shaking a little bit from the reality and anxiety of it all, John is all, "Let's do it!"

So, do it I guess we will. We go in tonight at 7 pm. They'll do the cervidil treatment, let me 'sleep' through the night (ha ha, I've heard the cramping doesn't lend itself to that much, but nice thoughts....) and start the Pitocin tomorrow. With any luck then, he'll be born November 28th or 29th.

Well, Matthew....guess we'll be meeting you soon! Can't wait!!!

Thanksgiving 2009

How very, very disappointed in myself I am. I just tried to look back at this time last year so I could compare Thanksgiving Days and I didn't blog!!!! I was visiting with my sister, so I may not have had as easy access to the computer, but still.....the posts the day(s) before focused on the Pie Challenge for Kyrgyzstan (which can still be donated to and I am only $195 away....go here!) and how I was just *so* not feeling an adoption from Kyrgyzstan was going to happen and I was just so....sad. Sad children suffered and I couldn't do anything more. Sad that I *STILL* didn't have a little one to celebrate the holidays with. Sad that I was just trying to find something to not be sad about....Maybe I was just thinking I didn't have that much to be thankful for, and didn't feel like posting. This is where my disappointment is because even then, I was so blessed beyond belief and I'm angry I didn't recognize it more.

Though this is obviously an appropriate post because it is Thanksgiving Day, it is a post I could make every single day....and full of things I will try to remember more on a daily basis.

Dear Lord, I am most thankful for:

• Your grace, mercy, faithfulness and salvation
• My husband--he's brilliant, hard-working, an incredible father and provider
• My precious, miraculous and stubborn little boy....I cannot wait to meet you
• My family--regardless of current relationship status, I know I am loved
• My friends--I am overwhelmed with people who care for me, worry about me and shower me with their attention and well-wishes
• My sweet Dixie Belle--though she is a PISTOL, she is a pistol full of snuggles and devotion
• My country--how I was blessed to be born here, I'll never know, but am eternally grateful for the blessing of America and her freedoms
• My "children"--every little boy and girl for whom I have had the privilege of being a part of his or her life has touched mine so deeply...
• People who are willing to sacrifice--whether it is for their faith, their convictions or their fellow human...realizing there is something more is so admirable
• Loved ones that I have lost...though I miss them terribly, I'm thankful for their part in my life

There are so many things I have to be thankful for this year...even as I sit waiting for Matthew to make his debut, and am admittedly a little nervous about what labor is going be like, I am thankful that I have had the blessing of pregnancy--something I basically thought was never going to happen. Mom and I were talking last night about how different this time of year is than we thought it would be. We never in our wildest dreams imagined that we wouldn't have a little baby girl eating her first Thanksgiving dinner with us and we certainly didn't imagine that we would be waiting for a chubby-cheeked little baby boy to decide he was going to come out after all.

Again, Lord, thank you for your many, many blessings.

Hotel Mommy....

Good thing I give a fabulous family discount, because apparently, Matthew thinks Hotel Mommy is a great place to be. Much like his dad, he obviously enjoys a nice hotel and doesn't really like the thought of leaving if no need exists.

My Bishop Score was barely a 2. And Dr. Shonekan was probably being nice. I am still only 1 cm., but softer, and she said that was good because it wasn't like I was "Fort Knox" and she feels the cervidil will be successful. She then went on to say, though, that Matthew was "calling my bluff" and saying, "come get me!" and she did not think this baby was coming "without any external help."

Fabulous. I *finally* get to the point where I'd prefer to just go through the agony of a regular delivery so I don't have to have surgery to recover from and wait to hold the baby while they sew me up and I very likely may end up having to have a c-section anyway because the odds of a delivery ending up in a cesarean when inducing occurred with a low Bishop Score are WAY higher...and I can't see anything changing at this point. He was nowhere NEAR engaged--why should he be? It's way more fun to swim and do all his exercises up in my ribs! The L & D nurse was right--Dr. Shonekan is more gentle in the exam, but it still HURTS LIKE HECK. And for naught....she said that if I didn't want to have a check next Monday before they start the cervidil, that was reasonable...but John thinks it might not be a bad idea just to have a baseline for progress. I agree, but MAN....dread the thought.

So, it seems that Matthew's First Thanksgiving outfit will have to be traded in from a newborn size to a 9-12 month size for NEXT year. Little Turkey...already acting stubborn and establishing his position in the family. I hope he's living it up, though, because they're taking him at the beginning of next week, whether he wants to leave or not!

In the meantime, I received this poem today (thanks, Barb!!) and love it....

God made the world out of His dreams
Of magic mountains, oceans and streams,
Prairies and plains and wooded land,
Then paused and thought "I need someone to stand
On top of mountains, to conquer the seas,
Explore the plains and climb the trees.
Someone to start out small and to grow,
Sturdy, strong as a tree…" And so,
He created boys, full of spirit and fun,
To explore and conquer, to romp and run.
With dirty faces and banged up chins,
With courageous hearts and boyish grins.
When He had completed the task He'd begun
He surely said "A job well done."

Hey there, 7-pounder!

We had what I *hope* will be our last appointment with Dr. Sweeney just a while ago. He shook our hands and told us he enjoyed taking care of us these last months (baked goods for doctors go a long way, trust me!) as if he wouldn't be seeing us at our next scheduled appointment--next Monday, the 30th, and the day we go to the hospital to be induced if Matthew hasn't come. I hope he's right.

The sono tech was really having a great time with us and Matthew was very entertaining. He kept moving, was breathing up a storm and kicking my organs (my poor gall bladder is just being used for his own personal kicking bag) like crazy...and she felt really sorry for me! She's the one who likes to do the growth assessment as well, so we learned that Matthew was 7 lbs., 3 oz! This is a TREMENDOUS gain from last week, over a pound! Which leads me to believe (and hope, a little) that there is a little bit more of a discrepancy in measurements because of two different techs taking them. In any event, I'm pretty confident he's at least 6 pounds FOR SURE and probably a bit more based on how much more powerful the kicks and movements have been in the last week.

Tomorrow we'll get a Bishop Score from Dr. Shonekan and we'll see how close he is to coming on his own or how successful the induction may be. John thinks, "That little turkey will come on Thanksgiving Day," and that would be fine with me because then he would at least get to wear his First Thanksgiving outfit.

I'm not placing any bets on it though....he looked like he was having an AWFULLY good time in there!!

Oh, and Dr. Sweeney said he *is* betting...betting that he's found the second kidney. I bet he's right...it even looked just like a little kidney bean!! So, Uni-kidney may just turn into Pelvi-kidney!

The clock that mocks me....

When we first learned we were pregnant, John programmed a countdown clock to our due date. This countdown clock was originally Grandma's, and was used for her retirement countdown. We've been watching this countdown clock for the last 260ish days...and as I look at it right now, it says I have 13 hours. THIRTEEN HOURS. My dreams last night consisted of me saying to that clock, over and over, "You mock me, clock. You mock me." (I know, weird dream, but true)

Saturday night, I thought we might be in business as I was pretty much cramping/having contractions all night...but nothing regular enough or painful enough to wake John up and head to the hospital.

Needless to say, when we got up for church yesterday, I was EXHAUSTED. John must have been too, because he was CRANKY! Note all the caps in that word. Let me restate: CRANKY.

To wrap a very long (all day) story up: He was CRANKY, which aggravated me seeing as I figured if either of us got to claim rights on cranky yesterday, it should be the one who was NOT sleeping soundly the whole night before, but hey...that's just me. His cranky never let up, got worse, aggravated me even more, and I took it all out on the garden. I've been needing to pull the summer stuff out and rake and put the pansies and bulbs in for a while. I realize this is probably not a huge priority for most women a day and a half away from their due date, but it is to me as I love my garden and envision it as a cute little backdrop for pictures of Matthew in a few months.

John is king of hidden agenda. Apparently my plans interfered with his agenda (who knew?) and frankly, cranky AND a hidden agenda just were not what I wanted to deal with yesterday so I told him I'd handle it all on my own.

Which I did, mind you.

And paid for (heck, am still paying for) in spades. My muscles would be miserable today if I *wasn't* pregnant, but throw my aching, pregnant back and humongous pregnant belly in and I think miserable times 100 still doesn't cover it.

But hey, only 13 hours left, right? Once it's rundown, I'm resetting it for next week--Monday at 7 pm, to be precise. Anything that happens before that is gravy. Preferably on a turkey. That I am at home enjoying with mom, John's cousin and Matthew. On Thanksgiving Day.

Game on, clock.

Officially, the days are numbered!

Well, yesterday's visit to the OB was quite the informative and confirming one! As I have been bringing baked goodies to all my doctors, Dr. Shonekan asked me, "Where do you find the time?" I asked her if she was kidding--time seems to be all I have!!!! For the record, yesterday's were chocolate chip cookies from a package, so really, not much in the consumption of time arena.

Anyway, I relayed my plan to her and she was quite proud of me. Essentially, my due date is Tuesday. That's 40 weeks. I told her that I was ok with going to 41, but no later than that because that whole 40-42 week gestational period is "the norm" for most naturally conceived pregnancies where the time of conception is closely guessed at but not 100% known. I know the day and time Matthew was conceived and really don't want him to go over 41 weeks. She agreed. So, if Matthew doesn't decide to debut on his own, we'll go into the hospital on November 30 (I'll be 40 weeks and 6 days) at 7 pm and do the Cervidil treatment. Hopefully it will work and the next day will either be labor on my own or Pitocin to get it going....and Dr. Shonekan said that if we went according to that plan, he'd probably be born December 2. Sounds good to me. She was very happy with the fact that I'd rather have the baby naturally than a c-section. Yes, I know, I know....but here's my thought. Yes, I'd rather have the cesarean; HOWEVER, more than that, I'd rather have my baby on my chest to stay when he's born than have to have him in the warmer waiting while they put my innards back and sew me up. That's what it has all boiled down to, and Dr. Shonekan booked it all then and there.

I have an appointment with the specialist on Monday (who will look for the elusive pelvic kidney and make a new recommendation for the renal ultrasound) and my last appointment with Dr. Shonekan again Tuesday (where she'll do a check and get a Bishop score), which is his due date. Dr. Shonekan said she saw what Dr. Sweeney reported on and mentioned a pediatric nephrologist, so I'll have to ask him about that--she thought it was pretty funny that Matthew went from having something that 1 in 500 have to possibly having something that 1 in 3000 have, but also said that he "was totally" my son!!

The blood pressure was another issue. It has been fine (I assume) since the hospital! I had only taken it once, maybe Tuesday, since the hospital and it was good--I don't even remember what but in the 120s /70-80s....just fine. So, when they took my blood pressure yesterday, I wasn't one bit worried. Well, the left arm was 147/92 and the right arm was 161/97!!! What the heck? I was pretty much on the sofa all day yesterday and the swelling was actually not too bad and my blood pressure was that high? Ugh. They had me lay on my left side, again, and came back to check about 20 minutes later manually--it was 156/94!! I was so aggravated--John said I was worried because I get Chatty Cathy when I am nervous, but I really wasn't nervous, I was HUNGRY! I thought that they were going to send me to the hospital, *again*, and do all that testing, *again*, and nothing would come of it and I'd be STARVING still. I honestly and truly did not know what the blood pressure thing was, but I thought it was a fluke, and thankfully, so did Dr. Shonekan. She told me to just keep tabs on it, relax, and let her know if I have any other symptoms like blurred vision, headaches or shortness of breath (even more than I already have!)....last night when we got home it was about 128/70something and I just took it a few minutes ago and it was 117/78. So, again, I'm not worried.

I woke up at 3:58 this am with what I thought was a contraction. It may have been, for all I know. It was painful, woke me up and lasted a bit. But then Matthew moved (which is unusual for him in the middle of the night) and I was wide awake for the next hour and nothing else happened. My back and hips are really amping up again, so maybe I'm in that couple of days before period where things are starting to happen....here's hoping. Like I said, now that we have a plan, watch that little turkey decide to foil it all and come next week over the Thanksgiving holiday!

And I'd be very thankful for that....